One Last Letter
by t-Cobalt
Summary: When confronted by the death of one of his oldest and closest friends, it's only natural that Soo Won has difficulty in processing the idea. Short drabble written to try to understand one of the most opaque characters in the series. Contains foreshadowing for the manga, but no spoilers.


**A/N: I've always wondered about Soo Won (who hasn't?). How much did he know? Why did he choose to assassinate Il when his young age put him at a clear disadvantage? Why did he move straight to assassination and skip the obvious choice of marrying Yona? Since writing is basically acting, I've tried to put myself into Soo Won's shoes and wrote this letter on his behalf. I've tried not to spoil anything for the manga, and I've tried to keep it canon-compliant, though beware ye - there shall be much headcanon here.  
**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Akatsuki no Yona. If I did, I certainly wouldn't be writing fanfiction about it.**

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When I found out you were dead, I

No, first I should tell you how I found out

Strange, isn't it? Strange how the moment I try to write out the words, they fall apart and cease to make sense. I did think about this quite a bit before I wrote it, but the moment the first word is written I realise all over again that I will never fully be able to say it all. I will never be able to put exactly into words what I am feeling.

I will try once again.

When I found out you were dead, I didn't cry.

There were several reasons for that, the first one being that it was tactically unwise. Since you've never seen me cry, you wouldn't know, but my crying face blotches and gives me red rims for days after the fact. The day I found out was the day before my coronation. I couldn't risk showing weakness during such an important occasion. The second reason is the person from whom I learned of your death: Kan Tae-jun. Though he was more serious and despairing than I ever thought possible, considering the things I know I simply cannot risk his father learning of any weakness of mine. He already underestimates me, but if I do not add negatively to his picture of me and perform well in the tasks that lie ahead, I might yet avert the disaster I know is coming.

The way I imagine it, you would be rolling your eyes now, your lower lip protruding just a bit, annoyed at me for being so vague. You would tell me to be specific, mumbling the words quietly at first and then blushing and half-yelling them at me like you do. Did. But paper is a dangerous medium, and I cannot risk any of this information falling into the wrong hands. Though I will burn it, one scrap remaining and one servant giving it to the wrong person could lead to a political disaster of epic proportions. More epic than the one we are anticipating, because of course when you have contingency catastrophes are much more contained than when the threat is unknown.

Reading through this I realise that I have gotten on quite the tangent. Except, of course, I knew that before I read through it again. The truth is, Yona, I am stalling. But now that I have written the truth, I can face up to my

I still can't quite believe it. There is still the part of me that thinks you are safely and happily living somewhere, far away from trouble and from me. Someone as strong as you, someone as proud as you, someone with a protector as amazing and powerful as Hak can't be dead. If Hak of all people couldn't protect you, then… then what hope did you ever have? What hope do any of us have?

And of course, the other part of me is selfishly, cruelly, shamefully happy at your death. I am

I can't

I just

How can I ever justify saying something so cruel? Should I even try? I mean, logically it all works out for me now. The one liability to my reign has been permanently removed: the true heiress to the throne. I never have to think of you again. Maybe that makes it easier. But more importantly, your death justifies my rise to power like nothing else. Uncle Il said you were the reincarnation of King Hiryuu. I read the legend too, you know. Hiryuu was the one who saved humanity, who built the Kingdom of Kouka and the landmark of the Red Dragon's Castle. As his reincarnation, you should have been following in his footsteps. You should have been burning brightly, Yona, burning brighter than anyone else. You should have someday led the task of cleaning up this crumbling country of ours.

And yet I could not see that in you. You are proud, but naïve. You are reasonably intelligent, but also incredibly ignorant of anything outside your own little world. You are... were, I mean. Sorry. You were vain, and petty, and shallow, and I could see nothing of the storybook hero in you.

As a princess, you would have sufficed, I suppose. You were pretty, and from the dances and koto performances and everything I saw of you, you were educated enough in the art of etiquette and court behaviour. But Uncle Il was so convinced of your destiny that I couldn't help but expect more. I expected someone who could unite our tribes – a leader, fearless, and strong despite the expectations placed upon you. I expected a second to see a second Hiryuu in you, Yona, and I couldn't help but be disappointed.

And now that you have died, well, it all seems much clearer. You were never the incarnation of Hiryuu to begin with. Either because it is someone else, in the future, or because there is no such thing as reincarnation and gods to begin with. It hardly matters.

The strange thing is that, as much as my rational mind tells me these things, I cannot help but be afraid. Afraid that there was something in you I could not see; something that would spark up later had I not killed you. Oh, yes. Let's not beat around the bush, as it were – I am directly responsible for your death. I drove you out of the castle. I tore everything from you and trampled you underfoot to get what I wanted. Were it not for me, you would still be alive. You would still be living your beautiful, ignorant life up here in Hiryuu Castle. If your soul is out there and you can hear me, Yona, then please understand that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that my actions led to your death. I'm sorry I tore your life to pieces. I'm sorry, but I cannot – however hard I try – regret the actions I have taken.

You have to understand that there was no time to wait for that magical Hiryuu spark to light up! Considering the things I know, and what you might now know depending on whether or not and how this afterlife thing works, I could not wait any longer no matter how much I may have wanted to. I am capable of rebuilding this crumbling kingdom. You gave me no indication that you had that same capability, and I will not allow my father's precious place to be crushed on such a basis as your father's blind adoration for his perfectly average daughter. The fact is, Yona, your death changes everything. It means that I either changed fate – your fate of following Hiryuu and changing the world – or that there was never a fate to change to begin with. If it was possible for me to change fate once, then I can do it again and alter the future to fit my needs and the needs of this kingdom. If it never existed and we are just autonomous blobs rather than figures on the existential ougi board, then it doesn't matter what I do either way.

Pathetic, isn't it? Pathetic how I feel the need to justify myself so desperately that I'm writing a letter to a dead person.

A dead person.

You're a dead person now, Yona, you and Hak and father. It's strange how the three people I cared most about in my life are all dead people now. If I were foolish and whiny enough, I would bemoan the fates and lament that I have obviously been curse by the heavens. Maybe even as punishment for the heinous treason I committed in murdering Uncle Il. But see, that is circular reasoning – since it was father's death and his subsequent last wish which led to the sequence of events which made me king, the entire idea of punishment falls apart. If the gods had chosen to punish me for treason by killing father and then you two, they also led me onto the path of the crime they were trying to punish me for. Most things about the gods are like this – when you think about it rationally, it is difficult to believe their existence important at all.

Either way, it hardly matters.

Well, what does matter, then? I am writing this letter for a reason. I need to get you as far out of my head as possible, which I can only accomplish by tying up all the loose ends in your situation. Only once I have come to some sort of conclusion and considered every angle will I be able to stop thinking about you, or at least put you at the back of my mind. This is not disrespect. I need to focus on the kingdom I stole from you, and your constant presence in my mind hardly helps. I have to make sure that your sacrifice was not in vain, that you giving up your life will truly lead to the improvement of everyone else's.

And yet, the more I write the more I find myself wanting to tell you. Perhaps this is a delayed reaction. I suppose after a lifetime of hiding essential angles of myself from you, I need to have some sort of closure.

I used to think that while I lied to you and Hak, I understood all of your facets and angles. But maybe that is incorrect. I am, of course, referring to that last week that we spent together. Where, on the day of my arrival, you told me that you liked me.

Suddenly, a world opened up to me, a world of possibilities that maybe the face you showed me wasn't your only one. Maybe you didn't have that cute little blush with everyone you talked to? Maybe you weren't always looking down at the floor? Maybe you didn't always stutter, mumble, whisper, and yell? I knew that you behaved differently with Hak. I actually completely believed you when you told me the two of you were engaged. But what if the face you used with him wasn't the exception, but the rule? What if I was the exception? I tried to look at you with a stranger's eyes that night, and what I saw surprised me. You were a woman, Yona! You were tall, up to my chest at least, and your hair was long. You wore heavy robes befitting a queen more than a princess, you had perfume and even cosmetics. Looking back, I suppose that could have even been for my benefit, if you like me like you said you did – along with the endless koto and dance performances I had to sit through (not that I didn't enjoy them). I see now that you were trying, maybe for years, to get me to see you as a woman, and I so blindly applauded only the younger sister you had become.

How difficult that week was to live through! To know that you liked me in that special way made betrayal even more heinous, even more unthinkable.

Hak suggested to me, once again, that I should marry you and become king later that week. I don't quite know why I feel the need to tell you that, except that it just came to mind when I mentioned that the week was difficult. Don't think I hadn't considered the possibility. One considers the most abstract concepts when planning a coup; it's a basic requirement of getting one to work. Of course, the most obvious detractor from the idea was time. Even if I did marry you, Il would continue to reign until his natural death, which would probably have been quite a long time. One of the reasons I even performed the coup now was because time was so short. It would have been better to wait until I was older. I could have made more of a name for myself before, and even if I hadn't I would have gotten far more respect from the people and my task would have been leagues easier. But see, time was the one thing I didn't have. With the disaster of epic political proportions at the door, I needed to act, and fast. If I had married you and then killed Il, first of all that would have been too much even for my conscience to bear, and second it would have made everyone suspicious. His death at any point before a clearly natural one would have raised people's suspicions.

The second reason I didn't marry you is because it was impossible. Back in the earlier days, when I was fourteen or so and the disaster of epic proportions was still in its baby stages, we seriously considered this option. I had an opportune way of raising the topic with Uncle Il and he made it clear that I would never marry you. I think you knew the same, because I remember that night you only visited his quarters to tell him you couldn't forget about me. It was certainly not going to happen, so we dropped the idea and moved on to more… extreme measures.

That night… I think the only thing that could have made murdering Uncle Il worse was you coming along and seeing it all. Once again, if your soul is somehow reading this, then I'm sorry, Yona. I'm sorry. You were not meant to see that. I hope you do not think so ill of me as to assume I had planned to have you watch your father's execution.

I remember you asking me why when you walked in on us. You were on the floor, and all you could stammer was "why". It's very like you, Yona. Other people would ask how. How could I do it, for one? How did I do it? Aside from the obvious (using a sword), I still had to get everyone on my side to make sure nothing collapsed after Uncle Il's death. But the you I knew didn't care about semantics. You wanted to know why I, your old childhood friend and crush, would tear your world apart and murder the father you loved.

I've been prepared to answer many questions. Why do I think I can do a better job than Il? Why didn't I wait until you were older to take the throne? Why didn't I go about it by other means, such as marrying you? But your why struck hard. What I did was unforgivable. And isn't it, by extension, also inexplicable? Would any explanation ever have sufficed? Yes, the disaster of epic proportions was coming, and my father's dying wish was for me to take the throne, and Uncle Il also committed an inexcusable crime when he killed father. These are all very good reasons. I never do things without good reasons, Yona, and you know that. But I know from experience that no reason could ever be enough to justify the criminal who killed one's father.

No reason Il could give me for father's death could ever have made what he did acceptable or forgivable. I suppose that now I am the same to you as Uncle Il was to me.

I am sorry.

So we can say that I am sorry for what my actions inflicted upon you, Yona. I am sorry that I had to sacrifice your life and everything that belonged to you in order to achieve my goals. But I am not sorry, I could never be sorry, for giving Uncle Il the justice he so greatly deserved. I apologise to your soul, but not to his.

I used to wonder if this would be a continuous cycle of hatred. Maybe you would come back one day and kill me, and if I had descendants they would seek you out and kill you, and so on. But the potential for such a cycle has been averted with your death. I am glad, at least, that I have not turned you into a murderer like myself.

I think, perhaps, that this has helped me. Even if just a bit. Now that I understand my own feelings, it is time to turn back to the feelings of those around me and the feelings of the people in general. I have shouldered a great responsibility, Yona, and undertaken a great task – I want to unite the five tribes and prevent this nation from being torn apart.

And for the sake of you and Hak, who have been forced to sacrifice your lives for this cause, I.

Will.

Not.

Fail.

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 **A/N: All right, here we have it, folks. If you agree/disagree with my take on the character, or saw a glaring mistake, or just have a question, feel free to tell me in the comments! (Though, actually, I have no idea how to reply to comments on this website. So if you want a response and/or could enlighten me in that regard I would be most grateful!) Thank you so much for reading, and have a brilliant day!**

 **\- Cobalt**


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